Animal I Have Become!
by xoxsavvyjoyxox
Summary: This is a fanfiction of Carlisle time as a newborn. It starts out when Cralisle is hunting the vampire and will end when Carlisle saves Edward. Pretty Please review-ill love you forver. and no new chapters until someone reviews.
1. Hunt Or Be Hunted AND Suicide

**Animal I Have Become by xoxsavvyjoyxox**

**Disclaimer:** This wasn't my idea. I do not own the characters. If I did I would go buy that sweater I want . All plots and characters belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer

CHAPTER ONE: Hunt or be Hunted

I was nervous tonight. Tonight we were going to hunt that group of vile sewer vampires and burn them!

I had been searching for weeks and weeks for a coven of vampires or a group of witches, just something to prove myself to my demanding father. Then, one night I saw a very good-looking man emerge from a sewer on the street. Of course I was suspicious. It was very plain that he wasn't actually a man, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions and end up bringing a perfectly human innocent to conviction, so I went back for five nights and discovered that every night the man would come out, sometimes bringing more with him, and scatter the streets of London. Tonight I gathered all the willing men I could find and we stood waiting in the dark damp London streets, like I had on that first night waiting for the first to emerge from the sewer. I was nervous because tonight I would put an end to all the complaints my father always threw at me. I would give my frail father hope in his son, and this made me nervous as any man is nervous before a discovery or great accomplishment.

"There!" one of them men surrounding me whispered, interrupting my thoughts.

I looked up to see the foul creature emerging again from his hole. He was so disgusting me, the knowledge of his evil, knowing that the animal before me took human lives nonchalantly made me sick. But still I hesitated in my command to attack the creature. My father always called me weak, and vulnerable I was slow to do anything harsh and didn't act immediately when I probably should. I had compassion upon any human being or animal alike, no matter how wicked.

"Go" I managed to say.

The men rushed forward with the pitchforks and torches, creating a blazing swirl of black and orange chaos around me as I ran after the vampire too.

The creature ran, calling out in Latin as he did, presumably a warning for the others. I ran with all my strength after it not noticing much else around me. This vampire was so fast! I looked around to see I was in the lead of the pursuit, a blaze of torches following behind. As soon as I turned my head back towards the vampire in pursuit, he was mid leap, I barely had time to yell out before he was on top of me. His cold body slammed me to the stone ground with titanic force. I tried to struggle against the force holding me down but it was a useless toil. Then the others came and started throwing the torches and hurling various weapons towards the vampire, who was sucking at my neck thirstily. He turned to defend himself against the violent attack, but with a stab of fear I realized it was too late. I was infected by the vampire and probably had his venom flowing in my veins already.

I sat up, and two things registered in my mind, the vampire was running at an impossible speed away from the street, with a man hanging in his mouth, and two bodies and a path of blood lay behind him. The second thing was that my throat was bleeding critically but I couldn't seem to feel the wound. I watched as the rest of the mob left me behind and went in pursuit of the monster. With a stab of fear and grief I realized my life as I knew it was over. I was going to die tonight one way or the other. The disgusting monster had infected me, and I knew the rules my father had strictly laid down. Anything or anyone ever infected by vampire,witch,or any other evil creature must be disposed of in fire.

I didn't doubt for a second my headstrong father would even hesitate that rule for me, his only son. He would burn me as soon as I was found. I didn't think explanations would help reason my father out of burning me alive, so instinctively I crawled to the cellar a few feet from me to hide myself. To save my life.

Then an intense burning pain rocketed through my neck spreading violently through my body. The pain was unbearable, It was hard to think at all but I thought it must be the venom killing me. If I had been more able I would have prayed the prayer my father had taught me since youth, but the pain made me forget everything that was ever important or unimportant to me. I writhed on the stones, miraculously continuing to move towards the cellar. The fiery pain continued scorching my body as I entered the dark cellar. It was a deep cellar, and in the corner there was a stack of rotting potatoes. I couldn't think enough to look for any other kind of concealment so I fought against the pain and dived into the pile, covering the parts of my body that still showed, hoping that someway, somehow I would be rescued from this torture. I kept expecting it to stop but the fierce pain only grew and grew. I stopped praying for rescue. I started praying for death. Death was all I wanted, it would end the pain. Even if I had displeased God, the burning fires of purgatory would be better than this. Maybe I was dead. Maybe this was purgatory. The barbaric fire went on, and on. For what felt like eternity. Endlessly fire went through my veins, burned me inside and out, Endlessly I fought against yelling so that the noise wouldn't bring anyone down to the cellar. Surely I should be dead by now. The fire drove me insane. I started whispering nonsensical prayers. Things like "Send me to the dogs gracious father" and "Send away the dragon lord". Another time this may have amused me. But there was nothing humorous about this endless fire. This inescapable hell.

Finally the pain started to subside. And after what must have been a few hours, stopped all together. The relief was so intense I found myself laughing as I emerged from the pile of potatoes. I hadn't even realized the smell that came from them. After a minute it occurred to me that I was not in fact dead. I was walking in the same cellar I had come in. No. No. The euphoric laughing faded abruptly. I realized what I had become. I was a monster. I was the very thing I had tried to kill only a while ago. I fell to the floor in my shock and despair. As I sunk the cellar seemed to grow darker, and I noticed a stake lying by the far wall of the cellar. I was insanely encouraged by this. I was overjoyed that I could end myself. Rid the world of the animal I had become. I lurched towards it, and a determination I had never experienced before raged through me, and I drove the stake at the heart of my pale body. Thud. I looked down, and the stake hadn't even pierced the skin, despite the crazed force I had attacked myself with. I tried again. The same thing. It didn't work. I wasn't dying. I hadn't even felt the stake's stab.

So I couldn't be killed. Maybe I didn't have to die after all. Maybe I could live peacefully with humans by choice. My hope rose as I thought this and I climbed up out of the dark cellar to find it was day. How long had I been here suffering? I walked out into the now populated London street.

I was quite recovered from my suicidal urges. I was feeling quite uplifted, there should have been a sun shining to match my mood, but the sky was a typical London gray today.

I knew I still couldn't be discovered by friends or relatives so I ducked into a carpenters to figure out my next move away from the busy street. The carpenters was a small room, cramped with various workspaces. I sat down in a chair by the counter and closed my eyes to think. I heard the door open, the creak much more definite than it would have been to human ears I suppose. And then the thirst. I jumped from my seat, my eyes instantly open, reasoning forgotten. I saw a young woman with a small child next to her staring at me in alarm. I fought back the raging urge to sink into the woman's pulsing neck with great difficulty. I was no longer Carlisle. I was a monster. I had to leave the room, running I couldn't take it one more second. I didn't even take time to apologize to the startled woman. I ran away from the carpenters, running from the streets,running from people, running from myself. Soon I saw that there were no people around. It had taken a minute for me to reach the woods, a mile out of town! Clearly I had been naive about my situation. There were many things I didn't know about this evil world I had been cruelly thrown into. There was no co-existing. I still remembered the scent of the woman's blood in my head and I had to fight the urge to go back. Imagine! I even wanted to hunt down an innocent mother just for her blood. I had to end myself. I refused to harm anyone because of what I was. In my mind I possibilities of ending this world. Ending the animal inside me.

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CHAPTER TWO: Suicide

London was the best place if you were planning a suicide, I thought perversely. My mental list consisted of jumping from the tallest building in the city, Drowning, Burning, and Starvation. All of these things easily accessible in London with tall buildings, A big ocean right by it, many witch burnings, and plenty of people to not eat. I'm sure some sort of stabbing would be on the list, but I was sure if a stake wouldn't do it, not much else would. It pained me somewhat to dwell on such masochistic topics, it wasn't in my nature to dwell on evil or bad thoughts. But this situation was dire, and required that I have the strength to end myself and my thirst for human blood. It was more helpful knowing how much I needed to avoid people, but after that first scent the thirst stayed no matter where I was. My throat was dry, and if I so much as thought of the scent venom would flow in my mouth. It was abominable.

The first thing on my deranged list was jumping from a great heights. I was staring at the tallest building in London. I just had to climb it. I didn't want to go inside where there were people around, and climb from inside. But scanning the outside I could see I was just going to have to use determination to get me up the building. I walked in the doorway holding my breath, so that the scent might not enter my head. After a minute I didn't get short of breath still so I just kept holding it. Not breathing. I climbed up the rickety staircases inside that led to the top and hoped there would be some kind of trapdoor leading to the roof. I was still able to hold my breath by the time I got to the last staircase. I no longer needed to breathe in this unnatural life either. I scanned the ceiling for a sign of a trap door, and found one lying a little way from the staircase. Why had they chosen to place it there of all places? They should have known a foul newborn vampire would come looking to kill himself from the roof. I checked below. To make sure no one was watching from below, the prepared to make a jump for the string and then haul myself from there. It was surprisingly easy for me to do that, actually, so when I was on the roof I walked to the south side-less people- and thought joyfully, this sick and lonely world is over now, no human or animal could survive this fall. I jumped, well leaped really, from the side of the building and just enjoyed the fall. I hit the ground with a thud. Why? I was in despair. I was indestructible, and I hated it. I was perfectly unscathed, and I was disappointed. I devotedly followed my list of suicidal possibilities, and all were useless. I was impenetrable even in the hottest of fires, and I didn't need to inhale and exhale like anything normal in this world so drowning hadn't worked either. The last was starvation. This _had_ to work. Vampires needed blood. There were some things I knew absolutely about this world. I'd been studying it for years. I need blood to survive. I can't live in sun...That was it! No vampire can survive sun. I just had to wait for a sunny day here in Britain, and walk out. All this turmoil, when it was really that simple!

It was one week before the sun shone. Typical of this land. I was happy with just the meek rays that the sun gave today. I came out from the cellar, which I had made my dwelling place, and beamed at the sun as I came as directly under it as I could in the alley. I didn't feel any pain, so I looked at myself. I was on fire! So this was it. This was the kind of fire that would kill me, a strange glittering fire that wasn't even hot. I stood there waiting for the end. I smelt the blood before I heard the gasp. A man with shabby clothes, taking his horse on a shortcut through the alley, stood their with his mouth open in surprise. I smiled at him as encouragingly as I could. He looked even more frightened now than before.

"Don't be alarmed! This is just errmm an experiment" I said.

The man's mouth shut closed and his expression became slightly more composed.

"Err. Right. Good Day Sir." he responded walking hurriedly along.

That was a disaster evaded. Thank god his stench had somewhat covered the scent of the blood I thirsted so. I was glad I had determination because otherwise this thirst would be unendurable. The thought of my condition brought me back to the fire that was supposed to be killing me. The sun still shone in the alley, and the fire was still there, but I wasn't feeling anything. I was, obviously, not going to die.

"Arrrr" I yelled to the sun in frustration. I started to kick the wall in front of me continuously until I had calmed down. How was it so hard to kill myself, my blood thirsting, foul self? My ears picked up the sound of footsteps approaching so I rushed back into the cellar, out of sight. The footsteps got closer and louder, and then a pale man, dressed in blackened clothes stepped into the cellar.

"Hello." He said before I had the chance to react, or run.

"Don't worry. I know the secret. I'm like you. I'm a vampire too." He continued in a sleek voice. It was the sort of voice I imagined a high offense prisoner would have. I looked again at the man to get a better look. He was pale, with black hair trailing in his eyes. And his eyes were red. It was obvious that he was speaking the truth. But was he really like me? Did I really look so malignant? Was this my mirror image? Yes. I thought. This is what I must look like now. I look like what I am.

"I've been watching you ever since you emerged from the cellar changed." he continued

I looked at him in surprise.

"Tell me, why do you not eat. Surely you know...how?"

I hated him for brining it up. I hated the creature for following me, acting as if he was my newfound parent in this life.

"How do you know I haven't eaten. I could've while you weren't watching." I challenged

"I am an avid watcher, Friend. And your eyes do not glow a healthy red as they should." He answered.

So my eyes did not glow red as his did. How had he put it? A healthy red? The red I saw in his eyes was far from healthy.

"Ah. Well. I don't eat because I refuse to. I can't do that to innocent men and women" I said.

The man laughed at me. A wicked laugh. A vampire laugh.

"Well. I also see you jumping from buildings, disappearing in the ocean, and jumping into burning fires. I can only make the assumption you intend to kill yourself. Maybe you will stop resisting your natural diet if you knew that starvation doesn't work either?"

I was horrified. All I knew, all I'd learned, was a falsehood. I needed educating. I needed to know from someone who had the experience how I could kill myself.

"Will you teach me how?" I asked the man

"To kill yourself?" the monster laughed. " Well it'd be extremely difficult for you to. First you'd have to cut yourself into tiny pieces with a sword, or something equivalent. Then burn those pieces. Like I say, Impossible. If you feel like joining are coven, you can follow me though."

How could the monster be so nonchalant about his state? How did he laugh at me for even thinking of not succumbing to my 'natural diet'. I wasn't alike with this animal. He was uncivilized, and as foul as vampires are described. And he wasn't even fighting against it. This vampire was not, after all, my mirror image

"I don't think so." I said bleakly.

"Very Well. I shall leave you. Farewell, Friend." He said, and with that he disappeared out of sight.

My head was swimming with the painful information I had discovered. I was alone in this world, just as much as I was alone in the human world. I wouldn't be able to kill myself, like he had said. The grief was driving me insane. I wanted so badly to sleep. But many nights of lying awake on the cellar floor had proved to me that that too was impossible. Impossible. Everything I'd hoped for in this life was impossible.

I ran out past the streets, past the woods, past everything I knew. I must have wandered for days. It felt like going insane. I longed for contact with another person, but the wraiths in London did not share my world, and they would only convince me eventually to be a red eyed fiend like them. The humans would all suspect my identity. I had never experienced loneliness to this degree. I wandered around in the wild, thirsty and deranged. I had experienced loneliness when my father shunned me from his sight. I had experienced loneliness when all men lost their faith in me as a vampire raider. But never had I been so alone and desperate as I was now.

One day, or night, it was hard to tell, my senses tinged and the venom flew, and the scent of blood clouded my head. Why would a human wander so far? It was unbearable. Then I heard the pattering of hooves against the wet grass. It was animals. I crouched instinctively and watched as they came into sight. The thirst was all I was thinking of, so without a doubt or hesitation, the animal inside me pounced. As I sucked the blood from the animal, my mania lessened. With each rush of blood my mind became more controlled. So this was my answer. My compromise with the bloodthirsty beast inside me. Veal had been considered a fine meal in my human life. Was this not too considered as a humane meal? These were terms I could live with. I couldn't harm innocent humans. The creature couldn't not drink blood. Yes. We thought. Animal blood. Yes. Thats a condition I can live with. If this life is living at all.

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	2. The Difference Between Human And Humane

CHAPTER THREE: The Difference Between Human and Humane

Of course I wasn't sure of anything. This new life was unpredictable and had disappointed me in the past. I wanted to make sure it was possible for a vampire to starve himself of human blood. Who knew? Maybe there was a need for human blood that I couldn't feel right now. Weeks passed as I tested myself, getting to know my boundaries and limits. After two weeks I went out and specifically hunted down a pack of deer, and it felt fine I didn't thirst for anything afterwards. I started to form a kind of religion. Ha ha. Religion in vampires. It was more of a philosophy really. I didn't have to despise myself. I could possibly live with the humans and interact with them again. After a week I tested myself by going into town. I made sure I had hunted beforehand to be careful. As I walked down the main street I felt the disgustingly familiar drying in my throat and excess venom. But it was bearable. My reaction wasn't nearly as strong as that first time, but obviously not restrained enough. I couldn't interact with the humans with red eyes, and not going in the sunlight. I would be burned at the stake. But I swore to myself that I would never commit the sins of a vampire. I would never taste human blood. I had to believe that I had a chance at the afterlife. After all I had obeyed by the strict rules of my father in my former life, and I had committed no sins that a normal human couldn't commit in this life. I didn't hate myself so much any longer. I felt, well not human, but humane.

One day I caught my reflection in the town center. The change wasn't only evident inside. I had changed outside too. My happiness was plain on my face and my features were sharpened and perfected as if one of the masters in town had painted me. But the most evident change was my eyes. They weren't red as I had thought they would be. They were this mysterious golden color. I liked that a lot. I liked that my eating habits showed in my face. The gold was a pure and good gold. It contrasted to the ugly evil red that the wraiths in the sewers had. Golden eyes. It was like my philosophy's trademark.

After I had tested myself, learned the limits, I decided to visit the vampire who had sought me out only a month ago. Maybe he and his coven didn't know that the life could be lived like this. If he refused, I wouldn't have to fight against my hunger anymore. Subconsciously my heightened mind had memorized his scent, so it wasn't too difficult for me to find the place where he lived. As I walked down the street that a group of vampire hunters had waited at only 3 months ago, the memories stung. But I hurried along, following the scent down the sewer. I was expected. The vampire was waiting there for me, his eyes glowing red against the black of the sewer.

"Greetings Friend. Have you changed your mind?" He inquired.

" No sir, I have much to talk with you about though" I replied

He looked confuse but motioned me to follow him. The sewer was dark and damp but it only took a second to come to a slightly lighter and warmer place, with a few rustic chairs set up. His home.

I looked around to see four more pairs of red eyes staring at me.

"What is it you wish to tell us?" The vampire I knew said

"Well. I have come to tell you that you don't have to live this way." I stated confidently. How could they want to live this way, hidden away in a sewer?

A chorus of laughter erupted around the small area.

" Really? Tell us more." the vampire said after his laughing was done.

" There is another way. You don't have to drink from humans-" I couldn't suppress a shudder at my words "- you can feed just as well off of the wildlife in the forest."

"But _why?"_ A vampire sitting in one of the chairs said with a mixture of amusement and confusion.

They must not fully believe me. They can't possibly question why not to feed off humans.

"Isn't it obvious" I said "Look at you. Look at what you've become. I'm telling you that you don't have to hide away. You can resist the lure of the humans' blood. You're saved" I finished smiling.

"Really friend, you have an uncanny resistance to your natural life." The first vampire said. "We are what we are. Why should we restrain ourselves? Why should we deprive ourselves of what we so thirst for, when there is no point? We shall not be discovered."

"You can't enjoy killing the innocent, and weak?" I asked incredulous. Was I the only one who saw the sin in killing humans?

"We will not live that way. Neither should you friend. Accept what you are. There _is_ no other way"

"If you choose not to live clean, and well, then I accept it. I can't force you. But I myself will leave. You can't convince me to go against what is right. I do accept what I am. I am not human, but _I will not be a monster!" _I was angry despite myself. I just couldn't see their point of view. I left quickly after that. My new life had put me at peace with myself but not with everyone else, I was still alone. Despite the intensity of my loneliness, there were still distractions. I no longer had to confine myself to the cellar. I could walk the streets, sometimes even in the day. Luck would have it I lived in the prefect environment for a vampire. Sunlight was a rarity. I was myself again. I was not, as I said, a monster.

Immortality was before me. I had an eternity to learn anything. I had always been a studier, always trying to fit in a book in between my father's demands. I was eager to learn, so I started to organize my time. Despite the lack of sunshine, I still allotted the nighttime for studying, just to make sure any unexpected sunny day didn't thwart my studies. During the day I would plan out who, what, when, and where to study. I devoted my life to studying. I finally had the time. I always admired the men who were able to help others, like doctors, but I still wasn't sure what it was that interested me most out of all the interesting things in the world. The days passed, and time became of little importance to me. I was only aware of how much the sun shone, and how long the nights were. Eventually I needed a change in setting. London was helpful, as it was a thriving city, but I needed to learn from other cultures and countries. Once I had used all of London's resources, I started finding ways I could travel without being seen, since the journey to Paris would take a few days and I couldn't risk being seen in the sun. I was walking over the bridge at night pondering this, when it hit me. The Channel! Who would notice me swimming underwater? If my theories were correct, I didn't need to breathe or rest so it would take no time or energy to simply swim across the ocean to Paris. Who would have thought that I would _swim_ to Paris. This world certainly did have it's advantages.

It took one night to prepare myself. I had very few possessions so I needn't pack anything. But I had to wait until the dead of night. What would someone think if they saw a man dive into the ocean and start swimming? The swim was just as easy as I had predicted. I only got nervous when a boat would pass above or if people were swimming near the shores I passed. By the following night, I arrived in Paris. The city was busy, even at twilight. I watched the sun leave with a sigh of relief. My whole eternity was ahead of me.

Paris may be full of learning and excitement, but it was much sunnier than London so the first thing I did was find a discreet alley or cellar that I could use for my studies. But the city was so busy! People lurked everywhere, even in the most out of the way alleyways. So I decide to use my small fund to occupy a small house in the outskirts of Paris. I planned to study mainly the arts. I wanted to know about music, dancing, and the sciences. I spent a full year, studying these things but I showed an obvious preference for science. There were many herbs and medicines that could be used to help people, it amazed me. One night I caught a scent, that my instincts told me was sickness or disease, but as I was new to the new scents that I could now smell, I decided to follow it to be sure. I found a sick lady slumped in the streets moaning. I felt compassion for her. Her clothes were ragged and her hair messed. She obviously had no one to care for her needs. She had a few scrapes, presumably from her living conditions but there wasn't much blood so it was manageable to lift her without too much effort at restraint. She was delirious the whole way.

"Where is Annabelle? Where is my darling. I need my medicine from her!" she would repeat over and over. I took her back to the house and used my knowledge and scent, to diagnose her sickness, and give her what she needed. I found the right mixture in a book I had been reading only that morning, and mixed it and gave it to her. It was my first attempt at putting my learnings into practice so I was understandably nervous. But she swallowed it, and after about half an hour she started smiling and nodding

"Yes. Thank you. Yes. This is it. My fever is gone I think. Thank you Sir, thank you" She said. I waved off her many thanks in a happy daze. She left smiling. I longed to ask about her, to get to know her but I knew it was an impossibility, and I was just happy that me, who was supposed to be a monster, had helped someone. I knew that this was my calling in this new crazed life. I wanted someday to calmly examine serious gushing wounds and treat them without so much as flinching. How could I be so bad, if I helped? I believed that there was still a chance for me. A chance for a soul, a chance for heaven.

I spent my time in Paris studying mostly medicine after that night. I moved from country to country visiting places, I hadn't so much as heard of before. About a year passed in this way, but it never got tedious. I practiced medicine and restraint. After many journeys I found my way to Italy. I was a reformed person. I was truly happy. Happy as I ever could be in this life. I could even stand the smell of freely flowing blood, even though I couldn't stay long near it. I came to Italy swept up by the Reformation. I traveled throughout the country and came to a town called Volterra. The city was beautiful, with new walls built around it, and a clock tower. The reformation was strong in the city so I stayed there for a few days. The city felt strange to me too though, I hadn't come across a trail of any other vampires, and I saw no vampires hunting during the night as I often used to. Volterra was a strange place.

Please Review. I have a feeling this chapter was a boring one. With all the studying...I tried to keep to Edward's description in Chapter 16 as much as possible. It is surprisingly hard to coincide the setting of 1650s with vampires. Soo please review for the next chapter.


	3. Welcome Friends To Volterra

CHAPTER FOUR: Welcome Friends to Volterra

My stay in Volterra had been both a pleasant and horrific one. My instincts told me that something was wrong, that there must be a reason why no vampires seemed to dwell here. But on the other hand the city was thriving. I arrived during a festival of some kind. Men and women were waving red fabrics around, but I didn't fully understand the language they used, so I didn't understand what exactly the holiday was about. It seemed to be based on blood. How ironic.

I wanted to learn the language spoken here, so I was forced to engage the services of a human tutor. Luckily he didn't seem to be suspicious of me. After a week of hard work and memorization I had a fairly basic understanding of the language, but I didn't get much practice. I still craved a companion. Someone that I could relate to.

I was about to leave the city at night when a man dressed in black approached me. I sniffed the air making sure that I would be able to stand the smell of this human, bu he had the scent of a vampire! I felt instantly threatened and prepared myself for an escape if it came to that.

"Greetings" The cloaked vampire said. I nodded my greeting in return.

"I've noticed that you are hungry friend, and must tell you not to hunt inside these walls, if you didn't already know this." he said

"Sir. Unless you know of any animals thriving inside this civilized city then, no I wouldn't dream of hunting here." I replied

"Animals?" he said, his carefully neutral tone showing some confusion. I suppressed a sigh at the thought of explaining my philosophy to another insensitive vampire.

"I only hunt animals. I couldn't bear to drink human blood" I quickly explained.

"Well! What a story this will be for Marcus and Caius. Would you like to come with me?" he said in a more cheerful tone than was really necessary. I didn't particularly feel like another sewer trip, but I didn't want to be rude so I accepted his offer. He nodded, smiled at me and then lead me to a building with a huge tower. I was glad that he had better accommodations than the wraiths of London.

The setting inside was fairly normal, except the space seemed almost too large for just one coven. Even though it took a second to get to the top tower, the fact that he seemed to live in the whole place was astounding. Like he was a king! When I arrived in the tower the man called out the two names he had mentioned earlier, Marcus and Caius. Two men entered the room, and the difference I saw in them was significant compared to the vampires I had previously encountered. I assume they were extremely old vampires, possibly centuries old, because their skin was different from, it was a strange translucent white. Their eyes were still red, I noticed to my disappointment, but they were clouded by some sort of mist. But the difference most evident to me was the civilization shown on their faces. Every one of them wore proper, almost extravagant, clothing underneath their robes, and they had a graceful educated air to them.

"Pray tell us your name friend?" the black-haired one turned to me, all smiles.

"Carlisle" I stated simply

" And you tell me you prey on animals? How fascinating! Don't you think brothers?" He said turning to the two other vampires in the room. Both nodded politely, but didn't look so fascinated with it. More annoyed.

"Is there a reason you stray from your natural path, Carlisle? Sit, Tell all." the black haired one said. Again with the 'natural diet'. He didn't give me a chance to answer sufficiently,

"Oh forgive me, My name is Aro, and these are Marcus and Caius" he said. " We are in a sort of brotherhood, if you will, of the arts. This city is ours, we don't allow hunting within the new walls." He said in a kindly tone. As if the reference to hunting humans was perfectly normal. Would I ever get used to that?

"Thank you. You asked me why I only prey on animals. It's simply because of my aversion to the sin of tasting human blood. I have been practicing for around a year and a half now. I never have tasted mortal blood, and hope I never will." I said, feeling more at ease with talking with these people. They were more civilized in their manner, it was almost human the way they acted if not for the eyes and skin.

"Ah. I see. Well that is a matter we will have to see if we can convince you on. But don't let me press you now. What do you say to joining us for a while Carlisle? If you are not otherwise inclined?" he said in the same calm, friendly tone.

" Very well" I said "But I should say that I am set in my ways and wouldn't want to bother you with my habits" I said, slightly annoyed at his assumption that my way of eating wouldn't last. I felt at home here more than I ever had since that fateful night, so I could not refuse the offer of companionship.

"Splendid!" he said with a terrific grin. I didn't understand his enthusiasm, the others were like zombies compared to him. Even though they were polite enough as I was toured around the city. Aro, Marcus, and Caius were also patrons of the arts, so I studied along with them. The days and nights started blending together, they knew so much, and had such a magnificent library of their own. I learned about music, theater, and art. I would have been perfectly contented if not for their constant insisting on me 'joining them for lunch' each day. Among the arts they helped me learn to be discreet among humans, how not to be under suspicion. They told me more about our kind too, Aro showed me first hand how some of us can be gifted with talents in this life, by simply touching my hand he could relate to me any thought I had ever heard! This intrigued me most. I wondered if I had brought anything from the old life into the new life? My work ethic? Compassion? The information was astounding and the company was like living with royalty! I laughed at the thought. How strange this world was turning out to be. There never seemed to be a boring moment. It must have been at least a year before I even began to think about moving on. The issue of my eating habits was getting me down, I was losing my steam. I thought maybe I should give in? Everyone else, even these civilized people seemed to think it was right. I didn't like the doubt in my mind so I began to think maybe, just maybe I had fulfilled my time here. Philosophy before all.

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	4. I'd Tell You But I'd Have To Kill You

CHAPTER FIVE:

The always genteel Aro took my notice of leaving seemingly well, but I could sense easily from all three of the eerie vampires that they thought that my quest for conquering human thirst would fail. But I couldn't give up. I wouldn't. So I went from Italy with excessive knowledge and a heavy, frozen heart. I traveled everywhere you could think of. The world suddenly became such a small place when you had endless time to explore it. I decided on England as my semi-permanent residence, as I felt an impulse towards my motherland. But I still wanted to know more, I wanted to use my abilities to explore the lands humans had not the skill to explore. I swam around looking, and smelling for new and interesting scents or lands. I found many places not many were notable, I came across many vampires, but the ones that I had the most friendship with was a wild coven from a tropical land I came across. They were far from civilized, but they were interesting people. Their skin was dark which had an odd effect on the 'vampire skin'. Of course they were red eyed. But they were kind towards me. Their names were Kachiri, Senna, and Zafrina. Zafrina could do a wondrous thing, she could create some sort of illusion of making you see things that weren't there, temporarily blinding you. The vampire world came up with many surprise such as this for example, another vampire I came across, Benjamin, could manipulate the elements. It was truly astounding what talents and gifts there were. I traveled eastward, with no particular destination in mind. The east was dense with forest, it simply felt like I was in an endless wilderness with the occasional tribal village. It was vampire heaven and human hell. One day I was hunting a tiger near a river. I pounced, and finished my meal as neatly as I was able and went to wash my clothes, in case I came upon any villagers. When I was coming out from the bank, I saw a villager woman staring at me in awe. She was quite short, with silky black hair flowing down her rustic clothes. Her eyes formed perfect little almonds. Her mouth frozen in a pretty 'o'. This was why I had studied every language known to both vampire and man.

" Hello" I said in one of the eastern languages Aro, Marcus, and Caius had taught me. She seemed to comprehend.

"Don't be scared of me, I mean no harm. I was just washing in the river here" I continued interrupting her gawking.

"You're...strange...I...Are you god or ghost?" she stammered in a fairly similar language to what I had been speaking. I still after all these years hated it when humans would sit like a rat in a snakes glare when I encountered them. It made them only seem all the more vulnerable to me, all the more tempting as her pulse beat through her skin, and her heart thudded.

"Neither my lady." I said with the best attempt at a reassuring smile. She looked at me, her expression turning from awe to confusion, to determination. What conclusion would she come to? Had she possibly ever even seen a European pass through here, let alone a vampire?

"Come with me. Now." She ordered.

"Now...I really must get going..." I said. I didn't revel in the idea of being presented to a village of mortals. I wasn't thirsty but still I had only about a decade's practice.

"No. Come. Chief needs to record you. I have to report any strangers. Tribe custom." she said. How ironic that she was trying to comfort me. She motioned for me to follow and walked into the trees. I knew she was not vampire, but her grace was astounding. And as I looked past the strong, and warm scent she gave off, I saw that she was rather beautiful. Naturally not in the unnatural way of a vampire. I followed finding myself awed at this woman, now instead of the other way around.

The village she led me to was fairly similar to the ones I had passed. Small huts made of leaves, and dirt grounds. The woman ran into a nearby hut, then reappeared with an elderly man whose expression was all concern.

"White man." He declared with a slight anger in his voice. He made a motion to the men gathered behind him, seeming quite angered at me.

"NO!" the woman screamed. I looked at her in alarm. She spoke so rapidly to the man who I assumed was 'Chief' that I really couldn't understand. Every now and again words like "unjust" , "kind", "law" and "religion" came out. Finally the Chief nodded and she turned to me and smiled, motioning for me to come. I followed her back out to the woods. Again I marveled at her. She really was beautiful, but I wanted to move on. I knew I couldn't grow attached to humans, and I just wanted to put myself out of the way of temptation. I was so empty and companion less, especially after leaving Volterra.

"I apologize for that" she said when we were a considerable distance into the jungle. "But I couldn't let him go against my religion. I just couldn't believe he was about to kill you! I just joined this tribe you see, and they are so bloodthirsty." I hid my grimace at the word 'bloodthirsty' and then reassured her.

"It is fine my lady. What is your name?" I asked, with a unjustified interest in the poor woman.

"Chiori, sir. And yours? Where is it you are from? I must admit I have never seen one like you. I have seen those with white skin, but not like you." she said, a small amount of her previous awe entering her voice.

"Carlisle. I'm from a place called England, it lies in the westward." I suddenly remembered that she had saved my life, well she _thought_ she had anyway. So I should thank her, "I thank you for stopping him from killing me"

"Oh. Your welcome sir." she smiled beautifully at me.

After that I tried again and again to leave. But Chiori never let me. She insisted I stay at the village, and I wasn't going to be so rude as to run away. Maybe I was deceiving myself subconsciously. Maybe I deliberately stayed with her. For companionship. I was there too long. Much longer than a month. Another drawing to staying was that Chiori knew so much about the medicine that could be gotten from plants in this land. Me and her would go out every day and she would show me plants that could cure infections, juice that could help coughs. I grew attached to her. She was so interesting, and beautiful. She was such a great companion, always happy. And she didn't even know of vampires. One night I was fake sleeping in a hammock, when she came up to me , and motioned me to come. When we were at a spot we regularly visited, by the river she stopped and sat down and motioned for me to do the same.

"I think I shall leave tomorrow" I said. As I had said many times.

"No you will not. You have to stay" she said, turning to me. The moonlight was shining on her smooth skin, and her eyes stared into mine, and I wondered what she would see there in the gold.

"I like you" she whispered. I wanted to say I did too. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to hold her and be able to without even considering my thirst. I wanted to be human for her. I wanted the world and more for her. With those three words she had stripped away whatever lies I had been telling myself. I was falling in love with her, with a human. The lion falling in love with the lamb. I hated myself for this, for letting this happen. I couldn't do this to her. I knew she would grow suspicious one day. I knew one day she would die. I might even _eat_ her. How appalling.

"Chiori. I..." was all I managed. Which was surprising since I was usually very quick with words. But what words could I use to make this right. Without lying. Without telling the truth. Suddenly she leaned toward me. The wind blew her scent even more my way and I tensed, but she didn't stop. And then our lips collided. The thirst and the lust, and yes unfortunately the love boiled up in me and I couldn't really help myself from kissing back. I could feel her all around me. Part of mind wondered if she even noticed my cold skin. After a few endless seconds, of me tensing and relaxing on and off she pulled away and stared at me. Most of me was ecstatic with the feeling I assumed was love. I didn't know. I had never experienced anything like this even in my human lifetime. Part of me was amazed at myself for controlling myself. I hadn't bit her!

"See? Now you know why you're going to stay." she laughed. I smiled back. But her words triggered an immense sadness. I was going to leave. I had to.

"No. I still must leave-" I started, to try and explain something I didn't even know myself.

"Then I'll come. Carlisle I like you immensely. Surely that has occurred to you."

"I..."

"Shh!"

"But..."

"NO! Shh!"

"Chiori..."

"You know I'm right. You feel it to." she said slightly irritated.

"Yes" I resigned with a sigh. More than you can imagine I thought. I wanted to things. To be with her. And to protect her and myself. The two desires were impossible to reconcile.

"Now. You are staying?" she asked me.

"I can't Chiori, I'm a...I mean..." How close I kept coming to just telling the truth! What would she think? Would she think me a monster? Would her previous attraction turn abruptly to disgust? I couldn't bear the thought.

"Hush. Carlisle." she kissed me gently and quickly again, and that simple kiss brought on the wave of scent and feeling again. The scent reminded me of why I wanted to leave. The feeling reminded me of why I wanted to stay. Of all the things I had ended up showing tonight, there was still one I could never tell her. I was hopelessly in love with her. I would love her literally endlessly, but for that reason I should hurt her to save her from my love.

"I'm going to go back. See you at dawn" she said, and left striding gracefully away.

I stayed and sat there. A thousand times I decided to leave, a thousand times I decided to stay.

By morning I was still sitting there. I was sitting there when Chiori came to find me.

"You didn't sleep here?! Well come on! Today we should go to the mountains again"

Her bubbly spirit lifted me out of my apathetic mood despite myself. I couldn't believe the effect she had on me. I spent the day with Chiori in the mountains going over the plants I had already memorized. But it was still beautiful because she was there.

That night, around twilight I looked at the setting sun and made me decision. I thought of the days I'd had to hide in the trees away from the sun. I thought of the times she might just have seen a glimpse of my strange sunlit skin. And I knew that my world and her world were worlds that didn't coexist. I spent the evening in pain as I wrote out a letter to her on one of the leaves the tribe used for writing and ink from one of the plants.

_Dear Chiori. I want you to know, that I do indeed love you also. Keep that in mind as you discover my empty place, and read this letter. I would love you endlessly. I will be keeping you with me forever. I love you But I cannot stay with you. There are things that you don't know, and most definitely shouldn't know. Things from my world. You are just like an angel. I'm a demon. The past months have been heaven, and this decision is hell, but I'm separating from you in body only_. _Keep me in mind. I'll keep you in heart._

_Carlisle_

Please Review. 2 seconds of your time in exchange for the hours it takes for me to write this. Even if it is bad. I need it to get better right? So Review. And keep tuned ha ha.

Author note: I apologize for stepping slightly out of character in this chapter. I realize that Carlisle wouldn't have fallen in love before Esme. I just can't help myself. I'm kinda a romantic and I won't be doing when Carlisle meets Esme... bear with me. Its all out of my system now I think I have every detail mentioned in the 4 books but if you see I contradict one tell me because I hate changing Stephenie's story.


	5. The New World

CHAPTER 6: The New World

Author note

Sorry there is a possibility that I'm off a few years in my calculations of the dates and years but I tried my best. Any ideas for what Carlisle can do for 192 years until Edward? Haha. Also please review even if you've reviewed before- I want to know what you think of the coming chapters. Oh and I do not own the vampires mentioned in this book. Stephenie Meyer deserves ALL the credit for the wonderful woman she is.

CHAPTER 6: Getting Started

I left the jungle village more grieved than I could remember in both my lives and I didn't notice the things around me. I just sort of shut everything out. I even gave up my studies. I wandered my way back into Europe and London, and passed out the year in this depressed fashion, feeling sorry for myself. But the pain began to numb after about a year, and even though I was certain she would always be on my mind, other things began to grasp my attention. For instance leaving Chiori had reopened my loneliness and I began to realize that I was not in love with Chiori. She had just been there to satisfy my craving for correspondence, and at this I felt so immensely guilty. After all there were more than just physical ways you can hurt humans, and I, who vowed never to harm the innocent, had done exactly that.

The 16th century was changing into the 17th century and with it so was the human's world perspective. Humans weren't dull and stupid, and they wanted to learn and explore the world just as much as I did even if it wasn't as simple for them. Men and women were talking about expeditions to find treasure and riches in the 'new world' that had been settled for around eighty years, and still people were taking ships to the new world of America. Of course I had been there myself before and currently it held little interest for me.

There was another change coming about in the human race. They became more logical. The 'myths' of vampires became less and less supported, which is obviously because of the vampires struggle to remain unnoticed, and because this world was purely illogical chaos. I decided to resume my medical studies, and get my papers for becoming an acclaimed doctor. These things entered my mind and the distractions almost too easily pushed Chiori out of my mind. I was contemplating the possibilities of the future. If what was once a detested fact became a myth it would only be a few years surely before I would be able to walk with humans unsuspected.

I studied for around five years to earn my official doctors license papers. By this time the changes were coming rapidly. Dates were becoming more and more precisely recorded and full fledged cities had begun to emerge in America. Chiori was always in my guilt, but had been all but forgotten, and I was beginning to be happier. I still didn't trust myself with human relationships. In-fact I knew that I really never would be able to interact with mortals fully again. It just wasn't practical. I stayed in London with a permanent job as a doctor, which was a happy achievement to have a permanent home, let alone a permanent job. I became popular in town, and I thought that this was as close as I was going to achieve to happiness in this life. But I'd been proved wrong before. There was always love. Chiori had taught me what I was capable of. I knew I hadn't even been in love with her, and I knew my heart had the ability to love a thousand more times than that. If anyone would accept me. If anyone would tempt me.

One day I was sitting in my doctor's office, and I overheard two men who had walked in having a conversation. I was only listening because their conversation was about vampires, and I always kept a look out for any suspicion. People may not believe in ghost stories anymore, but they weren't completely ignorant. One man was talking about his father's laughable vampire raids.

"My family went on those hunts also. So don't worry. My father went often with his priest's son. The Cullens. Sad story they had." One man was saying. I was completely aghast. The son of a man that had been there the night of my death was here in my doctor's office. Did this man know what I looked like?

"Yeah. I think everybody was so superstitious back then. Afraid to go out at night and burned any poor pale gentlemen they saw" said the other man.

"In the past" they said together and laughed.

"But you say it was a sad story…the Cullens?" the second man continued.

"Yes. Poor Carlisle, I think my father said. Yes Carlisle Cullen, the son of Father Cullen. He was murdered on one of those ludicrous vampire raids. Father Cullen had apparently always been harsh on the boy, but he couldn't take it when he realized he had a part in his only son's death. He died shortly after" The first man told.

"Sad" they said together again. They must be good friends. When the man came into my office I was scared that I'd be recognized. But all that he said was "Good day sir. John Winston. My arm is in pain" I wondered if he knew that the plaque outside said Doctor Cullen.

For ten years I stayed at that job, but I realized I had to move around because rumors were about. I hadn't aged in ten years and that was something that was noticeable in a popular doctor. So I decided it was time to die. I was supposed to be only around forty, but I looked too much younger, and I couldn't think of another way to disappear. I laid low for a century. Meaning I did more discreet studying, and traveled more. I met many quite amiable vampires. Among those was a clan of vampires that did not seem so averse to my philosophy. There names were Tanya, Kate, Eleazar, and Carmen. They were good acquaintances and I would often meet them, and stay with them while traveling or studying. They even took up my way of life. The three women of the clan were friendly with mortal men and so they too were averse to human blood. They were the closest friends to me in sixty-five years.

After my century of 'death' I started to weigh the pros and cons of the New World. There were after all too many bad memories, and a fresh life was very appealing. The years had made the humans so much less suspicious, and there wasn't really any fear where I went, just awe occasionally, which still annoyed me to no end that humans just sat and gaped instead of running from this monster. After a few days deciding, my choice was made, my money turned all into cash and in a small bag, along with my father's few remaining belongings which I had fondly collected after the conversation in my clinic.

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	6. Denali

CHAPTER 7:

CHAPTER 7: Denali

The venture to the New World was a long and dry one. I was certain that I would be able to swim by myself faster than this sluggish boat. The only reason I wasn't swimming was because I would most certainly come across more than one boat, and therefore would risk being seen.

After settling my accounts and business in England I had gone to London to seek out a ship master that would bear me as a doctor on his ship. This was easier said than done; because many shipmasters weren't convinced of my medical ability sue to my pale skin and strange eyes. But eventually I found gentleman that would take me, and now I resided in a cramped cabin furnished with a small, crude, wooden bed, and my bag. I could hear everything and I had to keep away so as not to make my irritation plain. The ocean bubbled beneath me and occasionally I would hear a small whale or sea animal and have to coerce myself into not diving in after it. Thirst was a bigger issue. I was stretching my limits by this 2 week journey, and I loathe to think of what the crew must have thought of me hiding away in my cabin, and pinching my nose on deck. I grew unnaturally ill tempered the more and more thirsty I became, and would only come out when it was insisted I eat, or treat a crew member's sea sickness. Hidden away like a true vampire.

At last the journey was over, and I scarcely had the will to collect the dues that the shipmaster owed me for my "service" before I hastily ran to find a meal. It was during this hunt that Tanya found me, and implored me to return to her abode.

"Dear Carlisle! What brings you to the New World, I felt certain you would never leave your beloved England." She said, as we ran.

"Ah I grew tired of the monotony dear Tanya and you fail to recall how dreary it is when you're dead." I said jokingly. She laughed.

"Well Irina, Eleazar and Kathrin will be ecstatic at your staying. Eleazar especially wants your council. The Volturi have asked him to… well I will leave it to his explanation" she said with a grimace. I wondered what task the Volturi could have asked Eleazar to do. I was aware that the Volturi were quickly becoming less and less the small coven of arts I knew, and more and more powerful and royal over the vampire race. Their numbers had doubled and they formed an army of sorts that was to enforce the one rule to rule them all. Tell not a soul.

Eleazar had previously expressed his gift to me. He could sense the gifts of other vampires, and knowing Aro's character he would want such an advantage for his growing forces. I grimaced too as I pieced together the information. But I did not dislike the Volturi, their cause was after all a just one, and Tanya of all people knew and respected the law, why would she grimace at the prospect of Eleazar promoting that cause?

We were running for such a long time I couldn't with hold myself from asking Tanya where exactly they lived.

"Oh, I did not consider the distance for you! Carlisle forgive my inhospitality, but I'm afraid we'll be running many miles yet, and swimming. We live in the extreme northwest of this land, where none but Indians live." She said. I was slightly bemused at the thought of running for such a long while, since I knew I had arrived on the east coast of the America land, but was willing enough. If Eleazar needed my council I would give it as efficiently as possible, and that meant hasting to their abode.

When Tanya and I eventually arrived at the place, I was amazed at the house they had set up here. The house was literally in the middle of nowhere in the icy plains of Northwest America, with snow for a garden. The walls were snowy white also and stretched out further than most castles seen in Europe. The windows were expertly crafted with a modern edge of glass.

"Such extravagant housing Tanya, and no one to give you the honor" I teased her.

"I know" she said with fake grief. I smiled then motioned her to lead me in.

Kathrin, Irina and Eleazar were already stationed to greet me when I walked in.

"Ah. Tanya we would have thought you would have brought us a little human male to chew on." Irina said, embracing her sister.

"The fault is mine there dear Irina. I wouldn't have allowed your sister even the thought of bringing another unsuspecting male down to your cavern" I laughed.

"Carlisle!" She said simply, and embraced me too.

"It is more than good to see you again Carlisle, you wouldn't believe how people look down on our diet." Kathrin greeted me.

"It is truly a joy to see you all again too Kathrin, but I understand there is more than a leisurely purpose to my being here. Eleazar?" I asked.

"Carlisle yes, my sisters have been imploring me to accept this offer of the Volturi, that is they want me to join their coven, or army rather." He said. So this was the reason behind Tanya's disapproving grimace. It was Eleazar who was reluctant to join

"You know their character more than most, and you left them for a reason" Eleazar finished.

"My reason was purely because of my longing to learn, Eleazar; I have no quarrel with Aro or his followers." I said as he led me to a room which I assumed was his.

"I'll put it bluntly Carlisle. I do not trust them." He told me.

"I will not persuade you to go against your will, Eleazar, but I will emphasize that the Volturi are nothing but honorable in my eyes, despite their diet" I said.

"Well. I suppose you would be the one knowing, I trust your counsel Carlisle, and I don't think they would persuade me into their way of life anymore than they did you. I shall go to the Volturi" he concluded.

"That is well my friend! Now shall we join your sisters?" I asked.

It was evident that the three sisters mentioned had heard the brief conversation when we walked into the main room of the house which was a large area with stone walls and smooth gray marble flooring, creating a very medieval look. Each of the three ladies' eyes had a slightly smug twinkle. But they acted as if nothing had happened.

"So Carlisle lets have the story, there is more to it than just your boredom certainly? Tanya began. I told them about everything, because they were honestly truly my only friends in this vampire world, and there was no point in hiding from them. When I told them about Chiori, Kathrin, Irina and Tanya all exchanged a knowing look, but were surprised when I told them of how I left. They were especially surprised at my control; they were expecting the story to end in her death, which still made me shudder even though the insane love for her had completely diminished.

"Truly Carlisle, your compassion for humans is unmatched." Irina said after my story was done. "None could have practiced that amount of self-control"

"No, dear Kathrin I believe he is just insane! Imagine him just leaving that girl!" Tanya had said laughing.

"Succubi" I retorted with a smile. She scowled at me and was quiet. I couldn't believe how freely I laughed and joked with the clan, but I was in such a good mood, and my heart truly lay in companionship.

I stayed with Tanya's clan for a while after Eleazar had gone to the Volturi, but eventually it I decided it was time to come out of the vampire's snowy hiding house and enter civilization again. So I reluctantly said goodbye to Tanya, Irina, and Kathrin and went on to the new cities. I became a doctor in New York City and learnt more in my trade in a few other learning institutions. I longed to see the warm, and sunny side of America, since England had had very little of that climate but always I was limited to the places where it was constantly clouded, and gray. I became settled in this new city life and although I missed the open honest companionship of Tanya's clan I was content.


	7. Dracula Doesn't Love

CHAPTER EIGHT: Dracula Doesn't Love

**ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN YEARS AFTER LAST CHAPTER**

I felt so young, and yet I was still so young. A hundred and eleven years had changed the world. A hundred and eleven years had taken friends and all the people I cared about. But it hadn't changed me. It hadn't taken me. I currently resided in the city of Columbus, in the American state of Ohio, and it was the year 1911. The only regular thing in my life was my profession. Now that the world of myths and monsters was a world forgotten and replaced by a world of logic I could freely work as a steady doctor without suspicion. As for my self-control, centuries of practice had blessed me with such control as was unbelievable. Naturally I was known for my good work, because the past year had been filled with nothing but medical learning and discovery and experience.

The Denali clan still lived in Alaska, as was my knowledge, and I still did see them from time to time. Eleazar had returned from the Volturi and with him he had brought a young female vampire, Carmen. Carmen was a long, willowy woman with darkened hair and a strange olive complexion. The two mates had met sometime during Eleazar's journeys with the Volturi and were almost immediately married and inseparable. Although Carmen was beautiful, as all vampires are, and although I was happy for both of them, my romantic notions struggled with a small pang of jealousy. I had searched this vampire world for my whole, for my beloved, for a Juliet. How was it that Eleazar, who had not even been looking, had stumbled upon what I longed for most. Maybe that was the key. To find love, you must not be looking for it. After too many years, I _had_ given up looking.

One beautifully dreary afternoon I was returning from a house call in one of the more unfortunate parts of Columbus. The houses were all a rural wooden structure, and most lacked any real windows or doors. I was just within the part of town in between the lesser neighborhood, and the expensive side of the city, when I heard an abrupt yell that sounded like the person had caught her loud fa paux and was trying hard to stifle it. I walked at a human pace in the direction the the sound had come. Then the human scent hit me, but I didn't even register the venom flow, or the way my throat tightened, because crumpled on the ground was a beautiful young woman clutching her leg. I immediately ran over, maybe a little too fast, to attend to her. She looked up at me startled, and then her eyes clouded over in a look I often received from women, only the look had a sweeter edge to it. Flustered, she began to speak.

"Oh, thank you sir, I believe I'm just fine. I'll be just fine." with these words she attempted to rise, but only got about an inch off the ground before she faltered. I caught her before she could fall.

"I beg to differ" I said, smiling. She returned a beautiful smile back at me.

"It may be a little more serious than I expected then, but I should be at home right now, my poor young sister has a cold" she hastily explained.

"You're in no fit state to walk, my lady" I said, worried at how she kept trying to stand on her obviously broken leg.

"Oh" she said, and winced as she incessantly attempted to walk.

"It will be fine, I'm a doctor" I reassured her "Would you mind sitting still for a while so I may examine it?"

She grimaced but nodded. I knelt down and felt the bone, I was certain I had distinctly heard a crack but I wanted to be sure.

"Regrettably it is a break. I'll have to take you to my office to brace it" I told her.

"Sir, would you escort me home first possibly? It isn't far and I would not leave my sister unattended for so long" she asked, and how could I possibly refuse?

"Certainly...err?" I asked her name unnecessarily.

"Esme" she said with a quick smile.

"Esme" I repeated. "Pretty name" I said. She smiled the smile that I was involuntarily committing to memory.

I supported her effortlessly down the street and around the corner to her home. It was a narrow attached house with wooden steps leading to the door. The walls were a fading white, and despite being wedged in between two more cramped and unkempt houses or similar style, it was contrastingly neat, with plants decorating the entryway. I walked inside, and she hobbled in leaning on me, and tended to her sister Elena. Elena was very amiable and shared many of her sisters flattering features. Eventually I persuaded Esme to sit and rest while I tend to her sister, and she agreed only because she felt me more qualified. I waited while Esme said a quick goodbye to her sister. I tried not to hear, but inevitably I heard the conversation.

"Goodbye Elena, I'll be home shortly..the doctor just needs to fix my leg" I smelt the blood that must have been flowing to her cheeks. Her sister laughed. "Silly me, always falling" Esme said.

"He is such a gentleman , bringing me all the way here to tend on you, before fixing my leg." I heard her say.

"Gentleman...very handsome to is he not?" Elena said.

"Yes..yes he is." Esme said in a tight voice. They giggled and I instantly felt horrible. I had barely checked myself this afternoon, being so enthralled by this simple human girl, and I could feel the same lift in heart, the same desire as with Chiori. Was there no end to my audacity?

I insisted on paying the carriage for her to go to my office, and when we got to my clinic I payed more excruciating attention and time to preparing the plaster just right, and to spreading it in the right amount, just to covet more time with her, my new obsession. I was postponing the time of her departure because I knew that after this I was going to be avoiding that area of town, and avoiding her because of my ridiculous but dangerous adoration. When I was eventually finished she started to dig in her bag for something.

"How much would this cost?...not to mention helping me so diligently.." she muttered, embarrassed.

"Nothing at all Esme. It was my pleasure" I said.

"You're too kind" she said, it sounded as if she meant as a small insult.

I smiled at her.

"Now, let me escort you to a carriage back home, make sure you rest, I don't want you hobbling after your sister twenty-four hours of the day now okay?" I laughed. Her musical laughter joined in.

"I'll do my best" she said.

"Goodbye" I said with a small nod as I helped her into the carriage car.

"Goodbye...oh I have not even learned your name!" she exclaimed.

"Carlisle" No need for a last name.

"Well thank you Carlisle, truly I'd most likely still be crawling down the street without you" she laughed. I hid a grimace at that image.

"Goodbye Esme. Have a good day." I said smiling and waving as the carriage set off.

"Goodbye Carlisle" she waved.

And I waved back. It felt to me, as if I would not be able to avoid attaching myself to the humans I met along my years. Wherever I could run, there would be a poor lady, a small child, a kindly elder, that I would become attached to and not be able to ignore them as a monster like me should. Compassion was more than a part of me, It was me. I could not rid myself of the images of the graceful woman, Esme.

_Adieu Esme._


	8. First Date Break

CHAPTER NINE: First Date Break

CHAPTER NINE: First Date Break

Thank you to nocturnal01 for help with this chapter. You should go check out her poems. They are friggin amazing. And thank you to The.Gallow. My loyal reviewer XD

"Doctor Cullen!"

A smooth voice called out in the middle of a crowded Columbus street. I turned to see the face that I could not forget. Esme was there, cast still intact, and limping on the street

"Miss Evenson"

I breathed both reluctantly and excitedly. I put on my smile and braced myself for the feeling I got around Esme. It had been only two days since the last time we met, but it had felt like another century of avoiding her neighborhood, running from her scent, and stifling my regard. She smiled a beautiful smile at me, and walked towards me, my heart started to feel alive again after two centuries.

"I was in town to get food at the market"

Of course. I already knew that. I had tried my best to avoid this area too, but it was after all the street where my clinic was. I just nodded and smiled in reply.

"Sorry. I was just on my way to your clinic, now that I'm done with food"

She said, gesturing to the bag in her hand.

"My sister…she does not seem to be…recovering"

She looked downwards as she said this. Her poorly hidden pain cut my frozen heart.

"I am so sorry to hear that. I will see her right now, if that is in your convenience"

I said, being perfectly aware that I had several patients waiting for me in the office, but as much as I wanted to attend to my priorities first, I did not believe I was physically able to ignore Esme's unspoken request.

"Would you? Carlisle you are so kind! I hate taking up so much of your time" she said beaming.

"Nonsense. Besides I would not, as a doctor, allow you to continue walking on that leg."

I said. She smiled, and I took her arm and called a carriage to take us to her address. So much for distancing myself.

In truth, her sister's condition had worsened, which alarmed me, but after identifying the medication her doctor had prescribed to her at a ridiculous price, I found that the doctor had given a fraud of the medicine that was to make Elena better. I reassured Elena and Esme that she would recover within the week with the prescription I had given her.

"I'm much obliged Carlisle this is not the first time you have helped us" Esme said as we descended the stairs.

"Not at all Miss Evenson" I said.

"Please call me Esme" she said

"Esme" I corrected.

We were at the door now, and I could feel my farewell to my addiction in the air, and I spoke on a rash impulse

"Esme I was just about to dine at the Cobbler, in town. Would you join me?" was my deadly request. She blushed but answered

"Why, certainly Carlisle, thank you, let me just err tell my sister" she said, a warm glow filling her heart-shaped face as she turned to race back up the stairs. I almost hit myself then and there. Vampires can not eat, and it was a sick irony that I had asked her to dine with a vampire _Yes Esme please do join me for dinner you would make a lovely snack. _I shivered in disgust. I knew that I could pretend to eat and swallow, I would just have to ejaculate it back up later, and I'd have to keep from grimacing. I took several deep breaths, what is done, no matter how wrong, was done, and it would be un-gentleman like to withdraw the invitation now. I once again took Esme's arm and helped her into the carriage. It was like I no longer had control of my actions.

Esme had thanked my numerous times from the ride in the carriage, to now, when we were sitting in the Cobbler with plates before us which I'm sure smelt good to any mortal. It was irritatingly easy to forget the maliciousness of this dinner, and to just talk with Esme. We talked over so much. I learnt that Esme had always wanted kids, and that she hoped one day to be able to be part of a family that could take care of her sister properly. There was an awkward moment when she said she just hadn't found the right father yet, and then she had glanced at me from under her long eyelashes. I had wanted so badly to say something along the lines of oh…_Esme I am usually quick with words but you take them away. I never want to see the sadness in your eyes like when you told me your sister was sick, I never want to see you in the pain you were in on that beautiful day we met. Esme Evenson. I think I love you._ But I could not say that, because inevitably I would have to add to that impressive speech. _Esme I'm a vampire._ So I had not said anything in reply, and I had just left Esme to her embarrassment for the rest of the dinner, like a monster.

I escorted Esme back home, and she invited me in. I was about to decline when I smelt the air. The air was thick with the smell of sickness, and I could hear a slow raspy breath upstairs. Elena. So I accepted, and went immediately upstairs to see Elena white as myself, seizing on her bed. Esme screamed and rushed to her side, arms flailing looking for something to do, her eyes threw themselves into mine, becoming deep holes of panic. I rushed also to the bedside and began examining the body for a sign of what had caused this.

"Elena. Elena. Miss Evenson? Can you hear me…what happened?" I shouted.

"I…I…I had…tried…to…get up….water" she stuttered, seizing had stopped but she was still shaking, I went and got a glass of water, and the capsules I had prescribed earlier, but by the time I returned Elena was throwing up into a small parlor bucket that Esme had provided. Esme's eyes bored into mine. I hurried to give the medicine to Elena but it did not have an effect. Elena was now shaking in controllably, and her eyes rolled back to her head so we could see only the white of her eyes. Esme started crying. I would have been to. I felt helpless. I ran over all the cures I knew. Anything and everything that could stop this kind of a seizure. The only herb I knew had already been tried. If I went to get more drugs that might make her unconscious while I move her, at this rate she could be dead by the time I got back, no matter how fast I ran.

"Carlisle!" Esme yelled through her tears.

"I'm trying Esme. I swear. I have not time to go back for the anesthesia" I said panicked.

Then Elena wheezed, and her heart stuttered in a heart dropping way. I went over and began applying pressure to her lungs to get her to breathe again. Esme caught on and blew air into her mouth. There was no change, her heartbeat didn't pick up, and her scent dulled just a little bit. I was numb. I'd never performed on the spot life or death treatment. This was how my first had worked out. Death. Esme was still breathing into Elena's mouth, then she saw me and she broke down crying on top of Elena. I felt horrible that I couldn't cry. I could feel my facial features panging to just let the nonexistent tears out.

"I am…" I turned from her eyes in shame. I am sorry didn't cover and make alright the pain in those eyes. I walked out the room with the intent of never coming back

"Carlisle" a small, broken voice called from inside the room. I trudged back.

"You do not have to leave" she said. "I need you to stay" she said in a small quiet calm voice. She started crying again, and I walked over to her.

She fell on me and cried into my chest.

"My baby sister." She cried and I hesitated unsure what to do with the situation. I ached to put my arms around her, comfort her, but then considering my departure was on the horizon, and considering the monster I was, I was the last thing to be worthy of comforting Esme. Stiffly my arms went around her, we fit perfectly together. She stayed like that cowering into my chest for around ten minutes. Then the apologizing began, and I silenced her.

"Carlisle. I am sorry you had to witness that" she said while her sobs were quieting.

"Esme…I am so sorry. I tried. It wasn't enough…god I am so sorry this is horrible"

"Honestly, I have been expecting it for a few years now." She said. "It was to be expected, she was weak. I am far from blaming you Carlisle, I should thank you for the happiness you bring me" she looked up at me, and our eyes connected. I wondered what she saw. Did she see a threat or a safety in the gold? Did I see my love or my prey in her warm chestnut orbs? She continued gazing up at me, while I gazed into her, and without me realizing, she leaned closer, and involuntarily, with no permission from my mind at all, our lips met. Fire and ice shot through my entire being, and I was overcome with the desire to hold her close, and to crush my lips to hers, but had to remind myself of my own brute strength. Her lips felt so soft and gentle against the solid icicle of mine, and our movements corresponded perfectly. I felt as if sparks should be burning the house down from the atmosphere of the world we were in. I thought I had experienced conflicting emotions, but the immense struggle within me was so powerful. I realized what I had just done. I had now given her hope that I would be able to stay here for her, when I wasn't. I had given myself hope that I would be able to act human and stay with her. I had broken two hearts that were on fire.

Esme had stopped crying completely and just nestled her head into mine quietly, as if she needed me to stay calm. I gently pulled just a small amount of distance away from her. She almost started crying again.

"Esme" I began, looking for a way to make this right, and at the same time keep my emotions in check. "I…I.-"

"You are different Carlisle." She interrupted. I thought she had guessed but she continued "never has someone of your rank ever sacrificed so much to attend to a poor woman living in the bad side of town" she said, a small whisper of a smile on her lips. I wanted to get away, distance myself, but the closer I got the more I would hurt her, and to distance myself right after this tragedy how could I? Could I at least hint at why I should leave her alone?

"Yes. I am different Esme. Dangerous even." I said solemnly. "I do not deserve a good and angelic woman such as you" I surprised myself by the soundness in my every word. She frowned.

"You are good to Carlisle how could you not be? After all you have done" she protested. I just shook my head.

"Esme I cannot do this. I am so sorry. I wish you all happiness. I cannot let us be….together. I will not do that to you" I said in a hurry and turned to leave

"Goodbye dear Esme" I said then an as quickly as was human out the door.

"Carlisle!" she yelled. When I was around quite a long way away I heard her whisper in the air, something clearly not meant for my ears

"You do not understand. I love you Carlisle" it was said so faint I could barely be sure of these words. I was sure, so sure that I would be saying them right back. If I were human. If I were any good at all. Sorrow did not even begin to describe my state of mind. I had to get away from here. Run away, again, from what I loved.


	9. Depravation

CHAPTER TEN: DEPRIVATION

After my cowardly desertion I traveled from city to city, not knowing what exactly I was looking for, but knowing that I was not finding it. I suppose I was searching for peace to my eternally struggling heart. I committed treason against my heart and soul, and now this was the consequence. The endless struggle. By medical definition, I was not depressed I told myself. I was active; I "ate" well, and continued an average, healthy, vampire routine. Though it was ignorant to say I was happy. I would unconsciously search the streets I roamed for some sign of her, not realizing I was searching until I found it. She was in the scent of the roses, caramel was a faded ode to her eyes, and every time I saw these things, my heart would sting. I generally, sought small, rural towns to settle in, rather than the nig towns where, I might run into more reminders of her, and possibly strike up another human attachment. I felt so out of my world. I wasn't used to the surging emotions that took over me whenever I thought of her. For centuries I had had a rational, straight-forward and focused way of thought, but one woman had taken it all away, and my mind was so clouded and disorientated that it felt like my body had been taken over by a different mind. All I could do was keep my outward composure, and move on. Lessons learned memories stored. Vampire love equals danger. Vampire contact was apparently inevitable though.

I was hunting in a small town in Illinois, when the tree in front of me suddenly, uprooted itself and flew at me. Alarmed as I was, the tree was easily dodged, and I was instantly looking warily for the source.

"Ooops" Said a boyish voice from above. I looked up to see Benjamin, one of the vampires I had met while traveling in Egypt grinning down at me with huge dimples.

"Greetings to you Benjamin" I said with a smile. Benjamin grinned more and jumped neatly down. "Do you usually go uprooting tress with your mind for fun?" I asked, teasing him about his phenomenal power.

"No sir, of course not, that was just to irritate you" he said laughing his carefree laugh. The last time I had seen Benjamin was more than a century ago, so I was surprised by the playfulness of our conversation. Yet, I was glad this atmosphere was there. Benjamin's trademark chipper disposition was exactly what I needed right now

"Carlisle my friend, it has been to long" Benjamin said, his smile lingering.

"How long is too long when you can live forever?" I couldn't help but make a reference to the time spent away from Esme.

"About a century and a half" he said with a shrug. "Still hunting so strangely?" he said with a fascinated yet disgusted smile.

"Of course" I said. "Is Amun nearby?" I asked. Benjamin was in Amun's coven and I had rarely seen Amun leave Benjamin's side. Amun was protective of Benjamin's power, wanting to keep it a secret from Aro's gaze.

"He cannot be far away" Benjamin said with a grimace. As if summoned, Amun entered through the trees.

"Carlisle?"

"Good guessing Amun" I said. Amun just nodded.

"Greetings friend" he said formally

"Greetings to you also" I replied equally as formal. The contrast between Benjamin and Amun was obvious, hence Benjamin's disapproval of Amun and vice versa. "What brings you to North America?" I asked, knowing that Amun usually stayed in the low key areas of Egypt to avoid the typical nomad vampire life.

"Benjamin felt the urge to explore" Amun said in a tight voice.

"I would invite you to my house but..."

"We would love to Carlisle!" Benjamin said at the same time Amun said

"You keep a permanent residence?!"

"Yes my lifestyle allows for a few small luxuries. Certainly, you are welcome to stay but I must ask you to refrain from err… hunting in the area of course." I said.

Benjamin was fully in agreement with staying, and Amun reluctantly accompanied him. Despite their differences, Amun had always seemed like a "father" to Benjamin, whom he had created when he saw the power in Benjamin as a human. I secretly held a small amount of disgust for Amun, because I could not fathom why, for any reason, he could subject Benjamin to this life, with no choice.

When we arrived at the house I currently kept, which was a small white farmhouse that lay somewhat abandoned on the outskirts of town. I had decorated the entryway with the same plants that had decorated Esme's. Benjamin was impressed with my diligence at my style of eating, and even attempted it one night, but he was disgusted and did not even so much as take a drop from the deer. They intended to stay at my house for around a fortnight, so one night Benjamin admitted that he needed to hunt "properly" and left to the next state. Amun, oddly, stayed behind.

"He is so wild and young" Amun had said the night he left.

"You might at least allow him that" I said with a small amount of bitterness that had not been intended seeping into my voice. Amun had heard it.

"I understand your bitterness Carlisle, but do not judge me so harshly. You yourself have said that you felt an urge for a family in this life" he said. I was surprised by his defense. I had never suspected Amun had acted out of loneliness. He seemed happy in his solitude.

"True" I said quietly. I had never considered _making_ a companion; it was horridly appealing to me in this time of loneliness after Esme.

"How did you….change him?" I asked

Amun laughed "I bit him"

That was all it took for me to understand. I recalled perfectly the memory of my own transformation and I knew subjecting someone to that, and the following life afterwards was monstrous. It was so strange, how in all my years of study, never had I thought to ask what had happened to me. Never had anyone thought to tell me. But now I knew. I understood what happened to me. It wasn't a freak chance. It was the science of mythology. I nodded in reply. Amun went on.

"He is like a son to me. I know he thinks I use him solely for his talent, but in truth I am glad he is part of my coven. He is a wonderful companion"

I understood completely. I again envied Amun his on, as I envied Eleazar his mate, It seemed I was the lonely one now.

After Benjamin and Amun left I stayed in the area for around five years, until I again grew restless. I ran back to the old city, Columbus, Ohio. Mine and Esme's city. I had admitted to myself that by strange fate I was in love with her, and I needed to see her face again, and know how she was doing. When I arrived at the small house, there was an elderly man sitting in the same armchair I had sat in once upon a time. After listening to a small amount of the conversation, and watching the respectful and devoted twinkle in Esme's caramel eyes, I gathered this was her father.

"I think it best you marry Mr. Platt" her father was saying "think of all the pretty dresses and fine accommodations you shall have. A most advantageous marriage" he said

"I do not want pretty dresses" Esme said flatly.

"Then think of your remaining family…after Elena's death what else are you going to do here?" her father said in a harsher tone.

Esme turned to the window and I sank below the window sill, peeping over like a criminal. I saw a small singer tear fall from her right eye, and create a watery outline on her soft cheekbones.

"Yes" she said quietly, only just audible to human ears. Then she wiped the tear, smiled her smile, and turned back to her father.

"Yes" she repeated louder "You are right. Mr. Platt is a…well-respected man, and surely we will be…" she trailed off, and I wondered why she hadn't finished the sentence that would so obviously end in "happy". She was usually so articulate.

"So you will accept his proposal?" her father said.

"If it is your will father" she sounded like a slave.

"Wonderful! You should inform Mr. Platt of your decision immediately." Her father rejoiced. Esme nodded, and asked to be excused. Funny how when she had said "yes" the first time, it had felt like she was accepting _me_ as a husband. My thoughts were such a slur that I could barely describe the emotion I was feeling. It was only proper she married. No wonder someone had noticed her graces. I just ran and ran, attempting to clear my thoughts.

_Esme is not mine. Esme can be married. Esme Evenson is not mine. Esme can be married. BE REASONABLE CARLISLE!_

On and on I just ran my thoughts trying to convince me that this was right. Which it was. Once I had somewhat got a hold of my sanity again, I checked my surroundings and whereabouts. I was standing on a hill overlooking a city. My life was to be lived in **Chicago****in the year 1918**

**(For you twilighters out there who have dates memorized as I do, you know what that means for the next chapter)**


	10. Life Without Sun, With A Son

CHAPTER ELEVEN: A Life away from the sun, With a son.

The city was dirty, in need, and chaotic. For this reason I loved the city, and I stayed. I took up office at the city general hospital and as the Spanish influenza threw the already mangled city into a death trap, I found myself with all my time occupied, and distracted. The sights I saw were not pretty. Men and women throwing up, shaking, convulsing, as I was forced to leave to go and "sleep" as the head doctor ordered me. Sometimes I snuck back into the hospital and treated patients anyway, hiding from any doctors that might recognize me. The idleness of sitting in the apartment with so many sick humans so close, and in need was agonizing. It was during one of these clandestine work hours that I met Elizabeth Masen and her son, Edward Masen.

I found her groaning in pain, and I checked the corridors to see if anyone was watching, and ducked into their room to offer assistance. The boy was staring frustrated and agonized at the woman, who I took to be his mother, due to the resemblance in their hair-a striking bronze, and their eyes a matching emerald. The boy's eyes were so clear, and unclouded, you could see right into them and feel his raw emotions. He did not, like so many, try to mask his feelings. He looked up at me as I walked in and surprise lingered in his eyes, but as he saw my doctor's coat he pleaded with me

"Sir, my mother…can you help her? She needs water" He sounded like he was expecting a negative response, so I assumed many doctors had passed over this room being to busy to help.

"Of course" I filled the empty pitcher lying on the crude bedside table, and filled a cup and gave the woman the water sip by sip. She looked up at me and comprehension registered in her face for the first time.

"Thank you, doctor" she croaked then lay back down. I nodded, and turned to the boy who held up his hands

"Any medication you would give to me give to my mother. I feel fine" I was surprised at his selflessness, which I had seen so rarely in humans. Especially youthful humans. His mother smiled slightly and sat up against the hospital's bony pillows.

" He needs assistance with his mania" she said half seriously, half jokingly.

I looked at her curiously.

"The war? This one wants to go offer himself to the sacrifice" she pointed to her son.

"The war?" I knew about the human's current war, I knew it would pass like so many other wasteful human wars. It seemed like wars were just pastimes for humans, not something for this boy to get wrapped up in. "Why would a young man like you go to something so horrible?"

"Exactly" his mother said with pursed lips

"Because I can't do nothing" He said defiantly.

I became attached to the Masen family, I found out the boy's name was Edward, and the mother was Elizabeth. I went back again and again, and the boy's character continued to astound me. He was always so selfless, and his morals so in line. Elizabeth too captured me by her silent grace, even in illness. She spoke little as the days went on but everything she said held weight and meaning in many lights. I knew I shouldn't grow attached, especially since the illness had taken a turn for a worse in Elizabeth, and was slowly affecting Edward. One day I came and it was especially bad, Edward was actually out of bed leaning over his mother and stumbling about looking for water and pills.

"Edward! Calm down! You'll worsen your health" I said in alarm and maybe a little too forcefully put him back down on the bed. I was starting to get fatherly with the boy, and that scared me. I quickly went to Elizabeth and made an impromptu concoction of herbs and medics, and put it in her water and gave it to her. Edward still had not lain down when I turned around and I sighed, wishing I could comfort him and tell him his mother would live

"Edward. You should rest." I said tiredly as I made the same concoction for him, and handed it to him.

"My mother? Will she be fine?" He asked hesitantly taking the glass from me. I looked at him and felt so pained, this boy, who never lied, never seemed to deceive or do anything malevolent at all, didn't deserve to be lied to. He deserved his mother to live too. He seemed to understand my expression and he dropped the water, spilling it everywhere.

"You will do nothing?" he said in monotone.

"I will do everything in my power" At this Elizabeth looked up and stared at me with an unfathomable expression. The she vomited into the bucket beside her, and I turned back to Edward giving her her privacy.

The next day, was the day I knew she wouldn't make it. The final stage of the disease had taken over her. She was sweating and vomiting continuously, and would break out in spasms regularly. Edward was frantic, to say the least, and instead of seeing other patients I stayed in their room all night. Surprisingly, Elizabeth noticed this in her chaotic state.

"You are not tired Carlisle?" she asked in between coughs. I was so surprised I just shook my head and smiled, and tried to look a little tired. She narrowed her eyes, but had to vomit into the bucket again and after that let it go.

Edward was worrying himself into the final stages too, as much as I tried to calm him. This only worried Elizabeth more, which sickened her, and in turn, worried Edward. It was a stressful cycle, of which I could do nothing but run grabbing medicine, make up new possible cures, and give water endlessly.

"Edward. Your mother might not make it." I said brokenly at around twilight of that day. "but you, you have to keep strong for her, if you worry yourself sick anymore, it will only worsen your mother" I said as calmly as possible, using my centuries of practice.

"You are so calm, Carlisle" he said through his teeth. "If only I had that control" he glared at the gray wall of the room.

"It takes practice" I smiled a little but then went grim as I heard a stutter in Elizabeth's heartbeat. This week being with her had made her a close friend, it was unbelievable. I had been myself around her, hadn't hidden, and she had either not noticed or accepted it. We had talked about so many things. I had told her a few days ago all about Esme, as much as I could tell. She had understood, she told me of her husband had died in war and how that started Edward on his mission to war. Losing a friend was not something I was sure my heart would tolerate. I went to her side to comfort. To uselessly comfort as all I could do. After centuries of study, of practice in the medicine field, I was reduced to comforting this small strangely significant human.

"I am sorry Carlisle. I tried to be strong. I know..how you feel" she said cutting off to throw up and cough. Agony watching. I could feel Edward's eyes on my back, reflecting in her emerald eyes. I took Elizabeth's hand and smiled slightly.

"Peace, friend" I whispered feeling waterless tears in my eyes.

"Peace?" she said, her eyes flashing alert, as they switched to Edward. I gulped at her fierce expression which pierced right at me. She shook and convulsed and looked dead into my eyes.

"Peace? My son. I'd rather he go to war than see him go with his mother. He has life" she coughed "Potential" she vomited "Soul" she finished her speech with determination cutting into my heart.

"I will do anything possible" I said, shaking with dry sobs, wishing I could cry for her. Wishing my rock hard body would unfreeze in this grieving. So much sorrow should have broken any human surely?

"Save him" she said shortly, now gasping for what I knew to be her last breath. I readied myself, used my calm façade, played my human role.

"I will do anything in my power" I said in monotone.

"Yes Carlisle, You will do anything in _your_ power, that others cannot do"

Her words echoed in my brain and I looked at her in alarm as her breathing stopped, her hand went limp in mine, and blood oozed at her mouth. Her eyes, not closed set in that fierce expression of restlessness. Angry emeralds accusing me. Edward sobbed quietly behind me, hiding in the pillow. I turned to him, watched him, watching as a father watches a son he has just struck. He threw up, and started convulsing. I watched painfully.

_Yes Carlisle, you will do anything in your power._

The words created an angry swirl in my mind. I thought back to Amun, and his Benjamin, I thought back to Eleazar and his Carmen. A vision of me launching at the deer, blood spraying, a vision of my golden eyes in that mirror in London so long ago, A hazy vision of the torches, and the men laying strewn on the 1650 London street. A vision of what was in my power.

Did she know this was what she condemned her son too? Did she know what her dying wish had been? Should I respect dear Elizabeth's dying wish? I watched as Edward lay dying tossing and turning, screaming "Mother" over and over again. So much pain.

I knew then, that his mother's wish was my command. I ran to him and picked him up. No one would miss him, in the week and a half I had been here, not one other doctor had been in to see the two patients. In such confusion and agony, what was one boy? That one boy was the purest of them all here. Such a knack for understanding, such a intuition and pure heart. I looked up at the moon as I stole across the city's rooftops. A menacing shadow on the streets of the city I was trying to save. A black knight.

I arrived at my home and lay Edward on the black leather couch I had purchased from a modern store downtown for the human façade. I fetched the strongest painkillers I had, and gave them to Edward, who was now beyond comprehension. I made sure he swallowed the pills, and then I looked at the human boy. What was I about to do?

_Save him_

That had been her order.

_In your power_

The images of my power came to my mind, the devastating red of the vampire's eyes I had met with. The carnage I had witnessed that first night.

I leaned down and carefully, gently as was possible, slashed Edward's neck, cringing and shaking. I wasn't sure how to do this. I wasn't sure. How could I bring myself to do this. Was it obedience to Elizabeth? Or selfishness? I was sure, in the shadows of my heart, it was the latter. He would despise me.

His eyes flashed open, and mimicked his mothers final expression. The resemblance frightened me.

"_sum rumex meus puer" _I said in Latin. I am sorry, my boy.

Edward yelled in the sudden pain, and I sat and made myself sit with him, and speak to him. I gave him painkillers frequently but it didn't seem to help much.

I sat and watched him suffer, I suffered my change with him. I hated myself for three days. I went though it again, with the boy I hoped would look at me as a father, but I knew would look at me as a monster.

On the third day, his yelling quieted, his pulse became less erratic, and by noon in the dark apartment, his heart stopped. I could hear the ice freezing it over. I held my head in my hands and waited for him to wake.

He woke up around one hour later.

"Doctor?" he choked. "What did you do?"

"Yes, what have I done" I whispered as I turned to look at him.

He was staring around, looking, and was in a protective crouch glaring at me. As was the natural instinct of the newborn. I didn't even take a protective stance. Let him attack me I thought.

"You are…like me Edward, immortal. Undead" he did not relax his pose

"One of the damned?" he growled. I nodded. It was then I noticed his eyes. The blood red burning into mine. My eyes reflected in his. Gold contrasting red. I knew the red was only because he was newborn and still had human blood in him, but it was a devastating symbol of what I had done.

"I refuse to live off humans. I had no idea you were so vile a creature" he snarled. I looked up helplessly.

"We feed off animals" I whispered

"Animals?" he asked, his tone replaced by surprise

"Yes, it is the lifestyle I chose, I refuse to prey on humans, so I live off the blood of animals" I said as a meek explanation. He looked at me with a new expression. I looked at him

"I will not ask you to do this. It is hard…at first to resist" How could you ever forgive me dear boy, I thought

"Carlisle. I have the utmost respect for you. Respect for your courage, and sheer compassion and control from the start, there is nothing to forgive"

I looked up at him startled. Had I spoken aloud?

"Yes sir" he laughed a little "you did speak aloud"

No I hadn't.

"What?"

I went to him and I thought something I knew I would not say aloud

I thought of Esme.

"Oh" he said bluntly.

He is a mind reader.

"A mind reader?" he said surprised. "hmm." he clasped his throat and breathed in "Carlisle, my throat burns"

I was still in shock at the discovery at his talent, but he reminded me of the uncontrollable burning that happens at the beginning so I hastened to get him away from civilization. I wondered what would be the safest, less populated route to the wilderness.

"Maybe we could use the underground sewage?" he suggested wrinkling his nose

"Actually, that sounds like the best option at the moment. Sorry"

He just nodded touching his throat again. I nodded

"Lets hunt" I suggested

"Vegetarian style" he said grinning through clenched teeth.

I laughed. He caught on so quickly, of course he could probably read the examples of newborn life in my mind, but still. He didn't seem nearly on edge as most newborns were.

_Vegetarian _I thought. It has possibilities as nickname.

He grinned and I ran with him through the dark sewers into the wilderness of Illinois, and I showed Edward how to hunt.

As the sun set throwing crystals through the trees I showed _my son _how to live when you are dead.

_Thus ends the account of Carlisle up to September 1918._


End file.
